In year 4 I was part of an exclusive playground-only club with my besties. We would beg our parents to buy us (after doing lengthy chores) a packet of collectable Care Bear cards with tasteless, hard to chew gum. Then we’d meet to discuss the cards we’d hauled and swap them based on what we already had in our collection. And if you were lucky enough to own a Care Bear you’d bring it along for others to swoon over. It was invite-only (sorry, no boys allowed!) and based on pure passion for the Care Bears cartoon show we all tuned into on Saturday mornings. What I loved about this most was spending time with people I adored discussing topics I loved.

Cut to (gulp – 37 years later!) I am still part of many varied communities that celebrate treasured interests. Through every phase and stage of my life, I have been a seeker of connection to different communities. The influence of community being important has one source for me, my Mum. It’s her #1 value, a consistent thread. I can remember her resonant words about contribution, importance of friendships, having hobbies separate from your husband, and the power of people assisting people (especially when in a time of need). Going to the supermarket and Mum ‘taking ages’ as she was stopped by many people for her counsel, to listen to their situation and have a moment of connection.

I consider community to be critical when I am working with clients on career paths and leadership styles – when going through change or a new role, promotions, elevating the standards of industries we’re part of, we need support, champions and advocacy around us.

When I put my hand up at my son’s school, when I moved to Melbourne, then a new suburb – we got to know our neighbours on one side on day 1, and only just met the neighbour on the other side after 4 years when our tree fell on their property!

Being part of a community gives you a sense of belonging and emotional support, making life’s challenges easier to navigate. It connects you with people who share values, creating a strong foundation of trust and understanding. Communities also provide access to shared resources, learning opportunities, and relationships that support personal growth and wellbeing. Most importantly, contributing to a community gives you a sense of purpose and fulfilment, reminding you that you’re valued and not alone.

And drilling down into work and industry specific communities, they foster collaboration, support, and shared learning, allowing you to feel motivated, purposeful, progression and more engaged in your role.

Whilst I’ll always give corroborating advice to join a community for all its rewards, there can be pitfalls. For those who don’t need a lot of social stimulation, it can feel overwhelming if expectations or commitments become too demanding. Differences in opinions or values may lead to conflicts, making it important to foster open-mindedness, clarity and respect. Additionally, relying too much on a community, or being of service to others for validation can make it harder to maintain your own independence and growth. Just remember you don’t need to sign your life up to a cult, nor deplete yourself or change who you are to be included!

This article published in The Guardian a couple of weeks ago asking, I love community but am I willing to put the work in? got me thinking about the importance of community. For me, it threw up more questions, than advice to give. As I think one’s sense of community is personal, not comparable nor equitable, and a great notion to ponder around your approach to leading your life. What role does community play, and what are you willing to put in?

Here are three ways to build your understanding of community, that I’ve used with clients who are feeling stuck, alone or hesitant to reach out to others. Whether you feel community is lacking, needs a recharge, or is on track. It can reaffirm or redirect you to the importance and priority of community in your life.

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1. Understand what role community plays

Not one person can fulfil your every need. Including yourself, or a partner. We are social creatures and not designed to be solitary all the time. Even the most extreme introvert needs connection. Be it online, in person, or in books or through art. Take a moment to ponder…  

• What does community mean to you?
• Where in your life do you value being part of a community?
• What communities are you already part of? Which would you keep and which would you relinquish?
• When situations or moments do you need, or lean on, community?
• When do you retract or pull back from community?
• How are you willing to contribute to community (be it one, or many of them)?
• Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone to generate community in your life?

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2. Map out places and spaces you feel you belong

Feeling a sense of belonging is a basic human need, we’re hard wired to connect and feel part of something. Be it your family of origin, friendships, work acquaintances and romantic liaisons. It impacts emotional well-being, physical health, and overall life satisfaction. Feeling disconnected from community, others and ourselves correlates to the loneliness epidemic.

There are tonnes of articles and studies proving this. The 2023 American Time Use Survey from the US Bureau of Labor Statistics found that Americans spent less than five hours a day on activities like watching TV, reading, and relaxing, and even less time — fewer than 30 minutes — each day socialising. While Americans spend about eight hours a day at work, most are not devoting their free time to pursuits that would imbue meaning and belonging. I’m sure the stats in Australia aren’t dissimilar.

I work with so many men who seem to drop their mates as they age and they get family-centric, women who disconnect from their friends (I am guilty of this!) as their career or family takes precedent, and interestingly volunteering rates in Australia have been declining over recent years. We spend time swiping, scrolling and shopping online by ourselves to consume more, when we could be better spending that time in fulfilling moments with others.

I’ve been to so many different ‘networking’ events over the years and had a tonne of interests and opportunities to get involved. It just takes a little courage to get over the first hurdle, and attend.

I also like to ask myself, ‘how does my energy feel when I am in this space and with these people?’ Not in a judgy way, rather as a comfort and asking, ‘do I want to be part of this?’ way. It is also okay to opt out and find your people – they will be out there. Women’s networking can be high octane, full of intense ‘rah rah’ hype energy, encouraging you to flaunt and boast about your personal brand. This isn’t for me, I go for intimate, authentic experiences where I measure how much did I laugh and connect with 1-2 people vs. the entire room.  

Give yourself to the time to explore, experiment and trial the places you feel you belong and want to contribute back to. Ask around, go as a plus one with a friend or colleague, start online and then move to IRL, look local, listen to podcasts or read books about your interests first and then look to make connections beyond the literature and conversations.  

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3. Balance contribution and extraction

Understanding how and where you can contribute openly and likewise extract maximum value for your energy and time can be a delicate balance. Asking yourself, “what do I want to contribute to community and what do I want to take from being part of a community?” is a great place to start. And you’ve hopefully also done the homework above to assess what community means to you, and whether it’s light or heavy touch. As your reason for joining may not be the same others, nor may it be your reason for staying.

Everyone who reads this likely knows by now I harp on about values all. the. time. This is another area where knowing your values helps. Perhaps community is a way to express them, like if you have a value of learning, then there are plenty of groups you can join about mastery. If it’s woodworking, needlework, science, choir, the list is endless. Or a value like security means you may join information around making your money work for you, investments or professional growth in some way. Click here to get my exercise to define your values and figure out how to create a more fulfilled life by honouring your them.

Other logistical realities can also determine how to contribute or extract. Figuring out:

• How much time do you want to set aside? Do you have a couple of hours or a whole day, are you willing to join something like the Army Reserves and give up whole weekends and what does this mean for your full time employer when you’re off for weeks at a time?

• What skills, knowledge can you offer? And alternatively, what skills, knowledge do you want to learn. Mastery is often a key reason for being part of a community. 

• Do you have a budget to contribute? For example, being part of sports or other pursuits often cost money or have uniforms or equipment involved.

• What does this lock you into, as a commitment of any/ all the above? What is the ‘get-out’ clause if you discover it’s not for you? When I signed up to become a Big Sister many years ago, the commitment was every Saturday for one year, then you can decide with your little sister how often to meet. It went from a large room at the introductory session to about 10 of us at session two. But it’s better to be upfront and honest on your capacity and select something that doesn’t generate guilt later on.

• And who will this affect? You could take this question to mean a few different layers. Others in the community you’re part of, joining, or leaving (like lightening the load at school or charity events). An end user (like new immigrants to Australia, disadvantaged people or like-minded experts and change advocates). Or the people dear to me, as if I say ‘yes’ to this community/ event/ activity, there may be a ‘no’ or decreased time/ energy to my family, partner or employer. You may need to negotiate and agree how your contributions fit into the systems and rhythms you’re already part of, and what can give or take there.

• Where do my boundaries lie? What puts people off volunteering or contributing is a fear it will gobble up all your time or effort won’t be distributed. Here’s some help with establishing and assessing your boundaries, or the energy you give out. I’d suggest it’s a great place to start before your hand goes up, and your boundaries are considered in light of all the above logistics and values. Being part of community should give you energy not cultivate obligation, resentment or guilt.  

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Experiment a little…

I’ve given you plenty to ask yourself about. Including ways to look at how you want to build community in your life. I’d encourage you to play around with the first question, ‘what does community mean to you?’ as a starting point. Mind map it, investigate, and explore first. Don’t take it as a rigid mission, be curious first. As where there is lightness and ease, there is flow and willingness to lean in and contribute.