“No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to change; or get unstuck; get clear on my direction”
This is the typical way that a discovery call starts with me. Wonderful humans full of potential, talent, desire and will. Who need a helping hand getting over their own hurdles. I’ve orientated my whole career around helping people pivot, break and create habits, and embed the change they seek. In fact, Ghandi’s quote, ‘be the change you wish to see in the world’ was the inspiration behind my own self-interrogation, and establishing my coaching practice.
And the one element that shows up in every conversation I have with clients is resistance. You can’t achieve change without it. This post is an adaption of my free guide to ‘Why We Resist Change’. If you’re curious about change, and feel you need a calibration, feel free to look at my ideas on what a calibration is (mini, achievable changes) and why we all need change.
When you embark on any change it’s important to recognise that there will be resistance. Change is a creative process. All creative processes require us to express ourselves in a new way. This can be scary, daunting, exhilarating and anything in between.
It requires trial and error, experimenting and patience. To sit with learning and unlearning, and understanding yourself better. Plus, all the learning that comes with ‘what’ you want to do. Like building a business, learning a trade, switching careers, understanding how to manage a team effectively. It can be daunting and quite overwhelming.
Have you heard how a pearl is formed? It’s through resistance. An irritant enters into the oyster shell that causes the oyster to shuffle and shape around the rough pearl. Polishing the edges into its future smooth appearance and beauty. Apparently it takes over six months to many years for its final form to take shape. That’s how I feel about change, it takes time to really embed. No matter the reason that has provoked you to seek change, let’s see what lies ahead. As you shuffle and polish yourself. To unveil another level of your depth and beauty.
The process of change, whether we seek it or resist it, pushes us to go through a series of stages. All with emotions attached. If we were to use Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey (which most film plots follow) an individual hears a ‘call’. Steps into the unknown. Overcomes a deep challenge. Only to return to a ‘new’ view of the world and themselves after the experience. Using models like the Kubler-Ross change curve helps identify and accept (or even accelerate) states of change. From denial, anger, confusion, depression, crisis, to acceptance and a new confidence.
Proven from academia through to personal experience, all change requires resistance. Clients share their experience of resistance before and during our coaching sessions. Here are the Top 10 resistance pressures I hear, offered to give you some comfort with identifying where you may be now.
1. Perceived loss of control, or lack of control on what lies ahead. Many of us want to ‘know’ how our lives are meant to unfold ahead of time. Which is unrealistic and near impossible, but I get it. We want to have levers that help us stay focused and on track amongst the chaos.
2. Having to change habits and the comfort they can bring. Even when they are unhealthy. I think of smokers (or vapers) here. How it’s often more about the ritual than addiction. Taking a break or connecting with others they also have to give up. We are all creatures of habit, and habits are neurologically wired. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviours can be really difficult to shift.
3. The impact change will have. Even when change can have a positive impact, it can terrify us. As we have a built-in negativity bias. Which sees many of us lean into the horror stories over the uplifting ones. Before embracing the benefit of change.
4. The assumptions or stories we repetitively tell ourselves. Laddering back to this negativity bias, it causes us to jump to worst-case scenarios, instead of the best possible outcome.
5. Avoiding f*ck ups and embarrassment. Especially if you have gone out on a limb in the past and it backfired. It’s tough to dust yourself off. And most change does ask us to share ideas. Or project ourselves visibly or verbally. Or form different relationships with ourselves and others.
6. The timing isn’t right. Because life is busy. We make excuses that we can’t find the space. Or have other priorities that seem easier or quicker to accomplish.
7. There is too much ‘effort’ involved. Or only seemingly. Especially if we feel overwhelmed or we need to rely on others to help us. Effort excuses can come in the form of time, energy, finances and skills.
8. Not wanting to sacrifice anything or miss out. FOMO is real. When it comes to going after what we really want! In my experience, no significant change can occur without having to give something up. Even if only temporarily. It’s about priorities.
9. Getting stuck in victim mode. While many of us can’t (or don’t want to) identify this as a trait we have, it comes through in the language I hear. When there is blame, complaints, and finger pointing at others rather than wrangling responsibility into the choices we’ve made.
10. Don’t feel good enough or worth it. 99% of the time it all boils down to this. In some shape or contorted form. People don’t show up presenting or admitting to this. It takes some drilling down beneath the surface. Once we release or acknowledge where ‘not good enough’ comes from in your belief system, transformation can kick it up a notch.
If you’re resonating with these resistance pressures, I say thank you to you. A big deep heartfelt thank you to you and your irritant. It has connected us.
Keen to start to re-shape your beautiful life? You will likely feel all or some of these symptoms. I just want to normalise that. Fear, doubts, wanting to stop or hibernate, the push and pull of momentum. All are part of the process. I encapsulate it all under ‘resistance’.
I ask all new clients before we commence, “what is your relationship to change?” And enquire around other times they have transitioned. Whether forced on them, or self directed. I see a complete posture change when we have this conversation. Some cower before straightening up. As they see that they have achieved and worked through many transitions. You may feel like you are procrastinating, when in actual fact you are percolating. Just letting an idea marinate while you gather more insight. Or let the ‘gut’ feel guide you more intuitively. This can be a new experience if you’ve spent a lot of time letting your head guide decisions in the past.
Here are nine ways you can have a different relationship to change.
1. Normalise change. The only constant in life is change. See change as just part of a normal day and something you will experience. It simplifies it. We’re all able to choose how to respond in any circumstance. If we embrace change as growth, it makes claiming our emotional state easier to grasp. And helps us feel more empowered.
2. Be grateful for change. When was the last time you said ‘thank you’ to the universe for a change? May seem crazy! However, if we can’t sit with the accomplishments, failures, learnings we’ve had so far and truly appreciate each of these experiences, we’re going to struggle to do the same when we actually achieve what it is we seek. It will always seem elusive, not good enough, that there is more to do. When in actual fact, I wholeheartedly believe you are enough, you are special, you are clever and capable, now.
3. Change the conversation in your head. How aware of your thoughts are you? There was a stage in my life when I thought I was the only one who talked to herself. Little did I know I could also direct those conversations. Start to notice when the conversation is helpful. And when it’s not. If it’s not, it tends to spiral into unhelpful feelings, actions and habits. And ultimately lifestyle. How you talk to yourself matters. I’m not recommending any sort of elastic band on wrist type approaches. A gentle guidance back to a helpful way of speaking to yourself each time you notice. Be it a couple of times a day or every few minutes. This will literally change your life. Once you are aware of how many insults, names and berating you give yourself.
4. Understand intrinsic motivation. It used to be thought that people have the urge to do something by external motivation. Like dangling a carrot in front of them. Especially in the workplace when command and control was the modus operandi of leading teams. Recent studies have proven that intrinsic motivation is more powerful. That is, we are more likely to act, and be successful, when we’re motivated by our values, beliefs and purpose.
5. Have a big picture to aim for. What is your vision? How do you want your life to look? Having a clear picture or sense of what it is you want to achieve helps make it clear and motivating to aim for. Many people believe. “the more they do, the more they will have, the happier they’ll be”. Or, “once I ‘have’ this, I’ll ‘do’ that, and I’ll be ‘happy'”. However we can reverse this thinking. So that you’re focused on who you need to be in order to do and have the life of your dreams. Without excuses!
6. Give change some structure and a plan. Mammoth change often requires multiple steps or stages, or mastering one thing at a time. This often creates the resistance to start. As it all seems too hard and overwhelming. Can you break down what you’d like to achieve into stages or milestones? There can be 3 phases like Discovery, Experiment, Embed. And at each stage you can determine what needs to be achieved and how. This may mean sticking to one daily task or new habit. It’s often easier to structure this into a daily time that works. And then clearing the space around it. Like going to the gym, you might need to work out the trainer/ program you need/ or classes to attend. Then experiment with the time of day that works best for your life. Like morning, during lunch, after work, weekdays and weekends, and preferences on the instructor etc. Then once you know what you love doing, embed this and commit to the new pattern or structure. Here are further thoughts on the secrets to making intentions stick.
7. Have daily ways to stay accountable. It’s all well and good to have plans, vision and a big picture, but you need to do the work. And this is where many of us trip up. We don’t commit to ourselves. We let other people and other priorities get in the way. Some of us are better at the commitments to others vs. ourselves. Some accountability hacks include: schedule the time (literally in your calendar); stick to it; do things with others; or have others check on your progress. The other re-frame is the internal talk that ‘you are a committed and accountable person’. Then taking action to see the proof of this.
Gretchin Rubin did a wonderful quiz on your tendencies to commit. See if you make the criteria for an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger or Rebel. They say it’s 21 days to make or break a habit. So commit to a full three weeks in small doses. Even something that is only 2 minutes a day can have a huge impact on your overall wellbeing and proof you are capable of sticking to something.
8. Measure how you feel after not before. Part of the stress we have on ‘doing’ what it is we want to change is we focus on how we feel right now, before we start. If you can connect with the feeling you have afterwards. Like accomplishment, achievement, just crossing something off a to-do list or deleting from your inbox, it can inspire you to act. Focus on what it will feel like to have it completed. Use that energy to transform your emotion into motion.
9. Reward and celebrate. Seems simple, but many of us don’t stop and check off what we have accomplished. We just move onto the next or focus on what is absent. This is a critical factor in you keeping momentum. It can just be a 15 minute break, a tangible reward, a cheat day. It’s all in aid of embedding the belief, ‘you can change’. Noticing you have changed and you are committed to yourself. So think about what it is that would give you motivation to continue by celebrating.
Experiment a little…
Let’s wrap this up with an exercise and action you can take towards understanding change. To help get you started, here are some powerful questions to ask:
- How do I understand change differently?
- What three words describe my relationship to change?
- What is one change I want to commit to?
- What is one technique I could use to help me commit to a new habit?
Comments +