Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about belonging. It’s a word that’s everywhere now – in culture surveys, leadership programs, and casual catch-ups over coffee. But when I ask clients what belonging feels like, most pause. They know when it’s missing but find it hard to describe when it’s there. I first stumbled across Priya Parker’s work on The Art of Gathering just before COVID hit. Her ideas about how and why we meet, and the way we gather matters, struck me then as insightful. But in the years that followed, when connection became fragile and distance became the norm, her words landed in a completely different way. I began to notice how potent belonging is. How much we crave it, how deeply we miss it, and how it begins not in a group, but within ourselves. It’s meant a lot to me, I’ve been exploring what it means to me and how I work with clients on this topic, I have also included it in a chapter of my book, Recalibrate.
That’s why I chose to write about belonging this month. It sits quietly at the centre of almost every coaching conversation I have. Beneath the surface of performance goals, tricky team dynamics, or imposter thoughts, there’s often a smaller, truer question: Do I feel like I belong here? And even more importantly, do I feel like I belong to myself?
Because if you don’t feel safe in your own skin, no amount of team rituals or culture slogans will create real connection. You might fit in, but you won’t belong.
Belonging is an experience and feeling, not just a policy
Belonging shows up in tone, timing, eye contact, and follow-through. You can feel it in a meeting the moment it’s missing. The data tells the same story, organisations that focus on belonging see stronger engagement, retention and wellbeing. But the part the dashboards can’t show is this: belonging starts well before the team meeting. It starts in you. As a leader and a contributor.
Belonging to yourself
Belonging to yourself is when you stop outsourcing your worth to other people’s approval, pace, or standards. It’s when your values set the rhythm, not the system. Here are three platforms to explore when looking at your inner belonging.
- Your Values tell you what matters. (You can explore your own values using my Define Your Values exercise.)
- Your Beliefs tell you what’s possible (hopefully) more often than what’s not.
- Your Systems are the way you’re operating your own life and wellbeing, take your standards, routines and commitments.
When those three align, you feel content. When they don’t, you feel frayed. You say yes when you mean no. You nod in meetings and resent it later. You deliver, but you don’t feel like you.
One client described how the business he worked in started to shape the kind of leader he became. And not always in a good way. The pace was relentless, the metrics louder than his own instincts, and it was a place people questioned their values each day. Through coaching with me, he reconnected with what mattered most. For him it was creativity, developing people and results, in that order. He began leading with those values at the centre, and something shifted. His confidence returned, the team relaxed, and collaboration grew. When you belong to yourself, you make it safer for others to belong too.
Belonging as micro-signals
Dan Coyle is an author and speaker whose work and book, The Culture Code, I use a lot when I am rebuilding and shifting teams. And he looks at signals being sent in the workplace. Which he calls belonging cues — little signals that say: you’re safe here, you matter, and we have a future together. Great leaders send them every day without noticing:
- You follow up after a hard conversation
- You invite the quieter person in
- You treat mistakes as data, not failure
- You share a small vulnerability
When people receive enough of these, their nervous system shifts from protection to connection. They stop guarding and start contributing. Amy Edmondson’s work on psychological safety echoes this – you can’t feel you belong if you’re afraid to speak. But here’s the twist, you need those cues from yourself too. If your inner voice still says, “Don’t stuff this up,” or “They’ll find you out,” then no amount of external safety will land. Your inner system is still on guard.
Stories from the coaching room
One client wanted to create a team where everyone felt seen and included, but she carried that responsibility almost entirely on her own. She was stuck in a cycle of hustling to prove herself. After some reflection, she realised she first had to believe she was allowed to take up space in the way she wanted for others. When she did, her care became a practice not a performance. The change in her was small and consistent. Creating moments of listening and curiosity that made real connection possible.
Another client built belonging through team rhythms. His team gathered for Friday wrap-ups, gratitude rounds, and small celebrations of progress. Erica Keswin calls these modern rituals. These are repeated acts that make work feel more human. Rituals embed beliefs like, we meet like this, we see each other like this, you don’t have to earn your place every week. Through these he discovered that belonging is mutual. It isn’t something just leaders give, it’s something everyone builds together. You can create the conditions, but everyone tends the fire.
Designing for belonging
Priya Parker reminds us that the way we gather matters. Every one-on-one, team huddle or performance conversation is a chance to say: you’re part of this. Try this frame:
Open with purpose: “Here’s why we’re here.”
Hold space for connection: “Before we dive in, how are you today?”
Close with appreciation: “Here’s what I valued in this conversation.”
It’s simple, but powerful. When you do it often, your team stop saying “this is my team” and start saying “this is our team.”
When belonging costs too much
Sometimes belonging in a workplace asks too high a price. To move at a speed that breaks your wellbeing, to stay silent when values are crossed, to “fit in” at the expense of truth. When you cultivate self-belonging, it gives you options. The ability to name the misalignment. To protect your energy with boundaries. To reflect and act on your values through choices you make. And finally, to choose where you give your best. All of this is small daily decisions you’re making, and capable of redirecting, at any point.
When you do, you model a healthier way to belong. Not by blending in, but by staying whole.
Experiment a little…
Belonging isn’t built overnight, it’s formed through habits. The small, daily choices that say, this is who I am, and this is how we are together. Over the next couple of weeks, treat these experiments as belonging practices. Ways to strengthen your connection with yourself and with others. They don’t require grand gestures or big change, just steady attention and repetition. Think of them as micro-habits that, over time, rewire how you show up and what you notice.
Choose one or two to focus on in the next fortnight:
Map your self-belonging cues
Notice when you feel most “like you” at work. What were you doing? Who were you with? Which value was alive? Write down three conditions that helped. That’s your personal belonging system.
Ask your team one question
“When do you feel most connected to this team?” Capture their answers and look for patterns. Turn one of those moments into a regular ritual.
Close with meaning
For every meeting this month, end with “What worked well today?” or “What do you appreciate about someone in this group?” Consistency is what makes it stick.
Review your misalignments
Where do you belong by effort, not essence? Circle one. What boundary or conversation could help you belong there more honestly? You’ll know it’s working when conversations flow more easily, people speak more freely, and you feel more at home in your own leadership.
Belonging isn’t something you earn, it’s something you nurture, one moment of alignment at a time. When you start from self-belonging, the rest follows more naturally. The more secure you are in who you are, the more space others have to be themselves too.
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