One of my favourite conversations when I met up with friends is to share that my life is quiet, in flow, or humming along. It feels great to have things to be excited about, be proud of and champion in myself and others. Not come to conversations like a drain. Whinging, complaining, wrestling with myself, or berating others. When I did my coaching studies some 18 years ago, one of the most powerful models we learned was the Karpman Drama Triangle. And recognising when I step out of my own power as I step into the drama of situations and relationships with people.
This model has come up in quite a few conversations lately with clients – many are moving through significant shifts. Yes, the planets have been busy – however the constant flux and movement of the business world seems very uncertain, erratic and haphazard. I seem to be attracting more career direction clients, still central to the coaching work is taking personal responsibility. Putting yourself in the best position for the work you want to be doing. Especially when a lot of it is in your own control. And not just being malleable to the peaks and troughs of life, and shitty circumstances.
No matter which way you twist it, define it and experience it, leadership is all about responsibility. Personal responsibility is at the heart of effective leadership. Which all begins with leading yourself first. Owning your choices, behaviour, and impact. How you chose to think, the words you select to use, and the energy you bring and intend for a conversation or situation. At work, and home. Especially with the people you love most. I am guilty of giving all my best energy to work and clients, and the scrappy leftovers to my family. Prioritising efficiency and productivity over connection at the dinner table – hoovering away my meal, distracted, and waiting to get back to emails and to-do’s, that can honestly wait until tomorrow.
The best of best preach about responsibility in leadership. Stephen Covey links it to being proactive and the habit of emotionally intelligent (and effective) leaders. He talks about being response-able and harnessing the ability to choose your response. Brene Brown in Dare to Lead, emphasises owning your own story and being accountable for your actions. I love her ‘courage over comfort’ recommendation around values, which includes owning your mistakes and not avoiding hard circumstances. Another fave of mine, Patrick Lencioni highlights that leaders must model personal responsibility to build trust. Avoiding accountability at the top filters down and weakens the entire team culture. And of course Simon Sinek, his terminology is servant leadership. Choosing to act in the best interests of the team, not self-preservation.
If I were to pick out the common threads amongst them all, they are looking at responsibility being empowering. It’s a choice to lead from the inside-out. You can’t expect accountability in others unless you model it consistently. Leaders set the tone. When you own your impact, you give others permission to do the same. It’s a mindset, not a role. Responsibility isn’t about your title, it’s about how you are being, who you are being, and honouring your values in the way you conduct yourself. In thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Let’s jump into the model. And this plays out in teams, in organisations, and especially at home in your partnership and family dynamics. And you do it to yourself. Spoiler alert: there is an internal cycle of drama happening inside you.
The Karpman Drama Triangle is a psychological model that explains unhelpful roles people can play. It’s present in conflict and comes across in everyday interactions. Formed by what you believe about yourself and others. It’s in gossip, humour, stories and self-sabotage behaviours.
There are three roles or points of the triangle. I’ll play with it in the context of a simple work situation you’ve like encountered:
The Victim: feels powerless, hard done by, or helpless. This could be a staff member, required to stay back because they haven’t completed their work. The client didn’t send the required information and feedback as scheduled, with no time to complete the task within working hours.
The Persecutor: blames, criticises, or controls others. This could be the staff member’s 2-up leader of the department, who refuses to negotiate with the client or budge on the requested deliverables.
The Rescuer: jumps in to fix, often without being asked. This could be the line manager of the staff member. Who volunteers to stay back, take over delivering the work, and sacrifice their own deliverables (and potentially personal life) to ensure the client, 2-up leader and staff member are all happy.
I’ve been in this situation before and complained about my disorganised client. I’ve moaned about my unreasonable boss. I’ve taken it to the manager I know will stay back and help me because they care way too much. And I’ve also been the manager who cares too much. As a side note, most coaches are recovering ‘rescuers’!!!
This situation plays out in parenting, when teenagers (and toddlers) don’t get their way. Heard the term ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ in the workplace? Ever felt hard done by when someone gets better treatment than you? Hear that never-ending critic in your own mind berating you? Felt guilty for staying back, not staying back, or asking others to stay back? All signs you’re trapped in the reactive drama cycle. You can shift between the roles yourself or get fixated on others ‘doing’ this to them.
What isn’t happening? Solving the real issue. In coaching we can inverse this triangle. Step out of the cycle and get out of the drama. Encourage clients to take a constructive role by taking responsibility – which often means offering support without over-functioning and managing boundaries. I also ask them to look beneath the surface behaviours and understand what in their values is being compromised. It often boils down to experiences of being powerless, judged, fairness or inequity, unappreciated or guilty.
There are still three roles in The Empowerment Dynamic, developed by David Emerald. The flip is towards responsive.
The Victim becomes the Creator: Instead of feeling powerless, you focus on what you can control and take purposeful action. The staff member can negotiate clearer deadlines and ramifications with the client next time. Or build in extra costs for overtime being charged when information is late. It’s also likely their communication leading up to the deadline could have been passive, and they could look at ways to be more influential.
The Persecutor becomes the Challenger: Rather than blaming, you offer healthy challenge that sparks growth or change. The 2-up manager can note this and bring up with the client. And show appreciation to the staff member for this being an anomaly. And not allow this to creep into the standard way of working.
The Rescuer becomes the Coach: Instead of fixing, you support others by asking questions, listening, and encouraging ownership. This line manager can help the staff member with the team priorities, workflow and additional resources. To build a divide and conquer approach.
This model helps untangle people from drama and invites them to respond with clarity, curiosity, and courage. In coaching, it’s a powerful shift that supports agency, growth, and personal leadership – and alignment back to your values.
Let’s take this one step further, to be more aware of when it’s happening to you by layering in the OARBED (above and below the line) model:
Ownership, Accountability, Responsibility (above the line)
——————————————————-
Blame, Excuses, Denial (below the line)
Below the line is being in blame, excuses and denial (BED). These are reactive, disempowered states, much like the Karpman triangle. Victim, “it’s not my fault” aligns with Deny. Persecutor, “you’re the problem” aligns with Blame. Rescuer, “let me fix it” aligns with Excuses, or avoiding the right placement of accountability.
The observations I see with clients, when they are reacting to life, rather than responding in life are poignant. Behaviour, state of mind and language keep people stuck. I must point out – I am just as susceptible to these reactions as anyone. Clients present with crossed arms, shrug their shoulders, look away or avoid eye contact and fidget (I can even see it online!). Thinking styles are binary (right/ wrong, should), helpless (a lot of ‘I can’t’) and generalising (use of ‘never’ and ‘always’).
Blame language always finds someone else to be responsible, “if they’d only done their job” or “this place is always like this” or “everything is broken” or “they’re all useless”. People’s energy is usually defensive, righteous, angry and controlling or trying to point out all the mistakes without the effort to fix. It’s often the person in the Persecutor role or Victim.
Excuse language is often lack of accountability or over-bearing. Ranging from, “there’s nothing I can do” or “I don’t have time”. Through to “it’s up to me” or “only me” or “it’s just how it is” or “how things get done”. People’s energy is avoidant, passive, over-explanatory or justifying every move they do or don’t take. It’s often the person in the Rescuer role or Victim.
Deny language revolves around disengagement or can be radio silence. Statements like, “it’s not a big deal” or “I’m fine” are red flags. As well as “I can’t see the problem here” or “they need to get over it”. People’s energy will be detached, dismissive and shut down or silence others. It’s often the person in the Victim (minimising) role or Persecutor (avoiding responsibility for harm).
Spotting below-the-line behaviour isn’t about calling you out. It’s about inviting awareness and offering a shift in your position on responsibility. When you realise you’re stuck in BED, you can choose to rise into OAR.
Above the line is taking ownership, accountability and responsibility (OAR). These are empowered, proactive states, much like the Empowerment Dynamic. Creator aligns with Ownership of your response and focus. Challenger aligns with Accountability through an honest challenge with yourself (or others) to get to the root cause. Coach aligns with Responsibility by helping others find their answers.
Spotting above the line behaviours and language means noticing when someone is being conscious. Even when things are hard. They’re responding rather than reacting. By focusing on what they can control.
Viktor Frankl’s book and quote is powerful in this dynamic, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” It beautifully connects with the idea of above-the-line behaviour. You’re not at the mercy of your circumstances. You have agency, and in that pause – that moment of space and awareness – lies the opportunity to shift to conscious choice. And the more those choices are aligned to your values, the more congruent you’ll feel as a leader.
Here is what I am listening for when a client shifts to above the line language. They’re open, calm, willing to be curious and explore options, or alternative choices. Body language is engaged, expressive, making eye contact and their more upright yet relaxed posture. Thinking is open to possibility, reflective, “both” or “and” are used, and they know how their action impact others, and importantly how they feel to them.
There is nothing sweeter than the ‘ah-ha’ that comes after ownership. Identifying, “the part I played in the outcome” or “wow, I contributed to that” or “this is mine to work through”. People’s energy is grounded, open and willing to move on. People claim their experience and work towards resolution, not blame.
With accountability there can be sheepishness, and a bitter taste of disappointment. When I get to witness, “What’s needed now” or “How can I make this right” we’re on track. There is integrity in the air, and a constructive energy to make things better. People are committed to a solution.
And for responsibility, there is curiosity, resilience and learning. Asking powerful questions, “What can I learn from this?” or “What is the next step to better?” and “What else could be true?” People are in the process of adapting and change, or what I call recalibrating. OAR behaviour doesn’t correlate with being perfect. It means you’re willing to pause, reflect, take ownership and lead from values, not fear. In coaching, naming and reinforcing this shift helps build lasting self-leadership and resilience.
Experiment a little…
Being aware of these dynamics in your team and self are the ideal time to pull out your coaching tools.
Place the words Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer on post-it notes and in a triangle shape. Identify the role/s you’re in (or others) and surface the language you’re telling yourself (or others). Then turn it over and correlate to Creator, Challenger, Coach and see how reframing your language is more useful.
And to take it even further, here are some fantastic coaching questions to ask…
- If you could make a powerful shift, what would move you a step towards ownership?
- How would it feel to take responsibility here?
- If you shifted focus to options rather than absolutes, what would they be?
- Is that a story or a fact?
- What can you take accountability for?
- Who do you want to be in this situation?
- How does this response align to your values?
- Which value feels compromised?
- Which value can we use to restore?
Here is a simple table to show the concepts of Karpman Drama Triangle, The Empowerment Dynamic and OARBED as one.
| Drama Role | Below the Line (BED) | Empowered Role | Above the Line (OAR) |
| Victim | Deny (powerless, stuck) | Creator (owns choice and direction) | Ownership |
| Persecutor | Blame (attacks, controls) | Challenger (provokes growth constructively) | Accountability |
| Rescuer | Excuse (over-functioning, avoids discomfort) | Coach (guides and supports) | Responsibility |
If this topic hits home, experiment with it. Notice the stories you’re telling yourself, often on repeat. And with binary truths. Notice the role you may be playing in creating your own circumstances or tolerating the behaviour of others.
Ask yourself, “who do I want to be in this situation?” Does a value feel compromised. Which value of mine can I use to restore. That moment of reflection is where real self-leadership begins.
If you’d like to explore what coaching with me is like, we can delve deep into the topic of self-leadership founded in your values. I will have more 1 on 1 coaching spaces opening up in July. I deeply enjoy this work to help teams transition away from dysfunction and distraction and towards cohesion and performance. Drop me an email here and we can talk more.
And just a quick note before I do sign off on this topic. The Karpman Drama Triangle helps us understand unhelpful relational roles like Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. It’s not a tool to downplay or excuse real harm. Bullying in the workplace is never just “drama”. It requires workplace policy and interventions. As well as clear boundaries, accountability, and often external support to ensure safety and respect. If you’re needing assistance within Australia, you can contact:
Lifeline or call 13 11 14.
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