“Oh, she is my work wife. My real wife knows all about her. I don’t think I’d make it through the week without her.”

“Oh, he’s a FOW. You know, a Friend Outside Work… and there is also a FIW, a Friend Inside Work.”

“I miss my work besties. Things changed when I had to start managing them.”

“I just want my team to like me. I miss having a friend at work. It’s lonely being the boss.”

“My team expect me to share everything with them. When I don’t, they say I don’t trust them. There are decisions being made they aren’t privy to. How do I help them understand this? It’s breaking down the relationships I have. They think we’re friends and I think I am their leader.”

It’s not uncommon for my clients to speak about the importance of work friendships in our coaching conversations. It’s an essential dynamic in thriving workplaces. Yet for many people it can be tricky to navigate. Old-school advice deters people away from getting too close to the people they work alongside. Put up a strict boundary, and don’t cross it. The reality is we spend a huge percentage of our lives at work so it’s critical we feel safe, welcomed and supported by the people there. Great relationships are the core of a well lived life. I don’t believe we can discard the power and importance of friendships at work. My dearest friendships to this day were formed at in the early days of my career and continue on.

What is deeply concerning is the how lonely people have become, feeling isolated and disconnected from themselves and others. As a 2024 American Psychiatric Association poll shows, one-third of adults in the U.S. say they feel lonely at least once a week; one in 10 say they feel lonely every day. A third of younger adults, those at the start of their careers, say they feel lonely every day or several times a week. I’m sure the stats in Australia aren’t too far off this. And I am certain how disconnected people feel at work impacts their loneliness.

We all know the power of having a friend. Someone who has your back, who ‘gets you’ no matter how often you speak, and who you can trust with all your dreams (or secrets!). Research in this 2021 review backs how good it feels, showing how important friendships are to our mental and physical health. And as a 2018 study shows, friendships can improve your quality of life and satisfaction. And the power of a good friend at work can deeply transform your experience of working for an organisation, Gallup research has repeatedly shown that having a best friend at work is key to employee engagement and job success, especially when remote working.

The truth is all relationships change, evolve or cease over time. And are prone to conflict. They can’t remain static. There is a beautiful poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker about friendships, which relates to being reasons, seasons and lifetimes. Workplace friendships play a significant role in setting up these phases for many of us.

We may work with someone for a reason. In a specific role at a company for a year or two. And after this mission together we no longer see each other with frequency or intent.

Others we may form for a season/s in multiple workplaces. Criss-crossing paths, and working closely, alongside or the sidelines of each other’s careers.

And there are friendships that transcend just work. Part of each other’s lives. Often switching roles from colleague, to mentor, to coach, to cheerleader as you move through different promotions, companies or industries. The people you don’t want to let go of and equally contribute to keeping the friendship fire burning.

I believe organisations have a rare opportunity to impact transforming the lives of their team. Never before has work had such a profound impact on shaping who we are. Great organisations give their team the freedom to explore, learn and change, and support inclusion on many levels. And this includes the opportunity to connect with people on a deeper level than the transaction of skills for pay. As a leader there is a line you need to be wary of and respect when it comes to friendships at work. Especially if you get promoted to manager of your existing team. Or those critical first 100 days of navigating a new team.

When friendships are flying at work

It typically means:

Your job is more enjoyable. Sharing experiences, having someone to talk to candidly, and working alongside people who care and support you, will increase your overall happiness at work.

You work better with others. Friendships at work encourage better collaboration, unity towards goals, and a level of comfort that reduces misunderstandings and improves efficiency.

You have open and effective communication. When people trust each other, you’re more likely to be honest, share feedback, and resolve conflicts quickly to not let issues escalate or fester.

You can cope with challenges. There is nothing like a listening ear or someone to lighten the mood after a tricky meeting or difficult situation. There is a level of healthy gossip and emotional support that helps you to recharge with a good laugh and release from a stressful situation.

You’re more loyal. Companies with a buoyant culture and supportive team tend to have higher retention. Friendship encourages belonging, loyalty and alignment to the purpose of a team or company. Leaders who encourage their team to connect beyond the tasks or deliverables will find people who desire to contribute back and stick around longer.

You’re learning more. Research shows friends will proactively share more, coach and mentor each other. This could be sharing articles, passing on intel, asking for feedback and being available to lean in. This informal development of each other will contribute to overall career growth.  

When friendships get tricky at work

It typically means:

There are blurred professional boundaries. Leading to difficulty maintaining objectivity or making unbiased decisions. Managing the performance of a friend is often a situation leaders need coaching on.

There is perceived favouritism. People may see this as projects being assigned to specific people or a limit on someone’s ability. This can undermine team morale, cause resentment and lead to division.

There are cover-ups or conflict of interest. Often a loyalty to a friend can conflict with responsibility to the organisation. Evident when there is pressure to fix or cover up mistakes, share confidential information or decisions.  

There is emotional attachment. When there are unclear or uneven expectations on the friendship and boundaries within the workplace. This can cause stress, lack of focus and disruption to the people involved and wider team. This can cause division and toxicity if it is allowed to fester amongst the group.

There are cliques and exclusions. Friendships can be perceived as exclusionary when people appear to be buddied up. Others can feel isolated, unappreciated, out of the inner sanctum. This disrupts team cohesion and productivity.

Career progression gets limited. Keeping people in roles where they serve the leader. Or when team members can’t maintain objectivity, they will be passed over for people who are better networked and less cliquey.

Great leaders create an environment for connection and clarity

Here are four thoughts for leaders on how to foster the importance of friendship at work (with boundaries intact)…

1: Make connection core to team culture

Given most of us are in some kind of hybrid working situation, it’s essential to make connection a core part of the culture. I loved going for lunch, the spontaneous conversations in the hallway and the wisdom or advice I received from my leaders in the car to and from meetings. You can easily create ‘connection moments’ even when you aren’t physically all together at once, all the time. Ask the team to help create and keep the momentum behind these moments.

2: Recognise when ‘busy” dominates

We are all busy. Recognise when it dominates your thinking and alter it. Take the time to acknowledge people. Give a smile, or “how are you?” 5-minute check-in, be accessible to your team and don’t repeat cancel the 1 on 1s. What does all this signal? Disconnection. I’m often told how many people haven’t seen their manager for over a month, or they see them avoiding them to get to a quiet space and have headphones on all day. It doesn’t take much, and you’re never as busy and as important as you think.

3: Know the difference between clarity and transparency

Within organisations there are varying grades of accountability and access to information and decisions. Not everyone gets to know everything. And not everyone can handle the truth, as I shared in a blog a while back. As a leader, there is a push for transparency from your team. Know where the line is on what you can and can’t share. Don’t give away information that is unprofessional or private, when people are getting performance feedback or managed, or grappling with a personal issue. As a team members, be aware when your expectations of a manager are unrealistic or unfair. At work there is information you’re not entitled to. There are commercial, legal and operational decisions that need to be made that not everyone has access too. Change leadership is incredibly hard as it’s all about the timing, clarity and sequence of communication. And one of the hardest skills for a leader to learn and master. And one of the easiest parts of leadership to be derailed by friendships breaking boundaries.

4: Get to know the part of you that is ‘professional’

There is a movement to ‘bring your whole self to work’ from many leadership experts and workplace academics. I don’t coach this way, as I believe the workplace needs to have a lens of professionalism and boundaries on what we chose to share and acknowledge. Not all managers provide a safe environment (whether intentional or not), and not all managers’ are equipped to deal with deeper traumas and experiences people have had in their lives. It’s also not the workplaces’ responsibility to heal you. There is a heavy burden on managers to be all things to their team. Technical experts, product experts, empathetic, have ALL the skills mastered in leading a team. Yet not everyone is able to counsel to the ability of a trained psychologist. And this is where I feel many people get conflicted when it comes to feeling supported (as friends, or not) in the workplace. Know what can be shared openly, in private, and with trusted colleagues. Know when you’re out of your depth when a team member shares delicate information. Have go-to people you can refer them to for the support they need, EAP and HR, or external experts.

In wrapping up, I believe workplace friendships are critical. They improve job satisfaction, collaboration and productivity. They also help reduce stress, enhance employee engagement, and create a more supportive environment that boosts morale and personal well-being. You don’t have to be liked by everyone (even though it’s nice) but as a leader it’s important to be respected and hold a level of professionalism. Acquaint yourself with the pros and cons of how to navigate relationships in the workplace. And recalibrate when you can sense the dynamics shifting. Have the brave conversations, recognise where your boundaries are and maintain clarity to keep the friendships afloat.